The Big Day

Tomorrow is a big day. All I can do is wait and hope things turn out a little better than lately.

If the tenor of my posts has been a tad disconcerting over the past couple of months, it's not without reason. I do my best to hold things together on the outside, mainly so I keep a job and family, but on the inside I have been a total wreck. If not for the all-sufficient Lord Jesus I would have long ago fallen apart. Thankfully these are the struggles and sufferings we face in His service, so that knowledge and steady guidance have held me together. That said, prayer and this forum are quite often the outlets I have been granted to share in these struggles with others. Because of the outlet, and because I use it to let other folks in the same boat know there's someone else out there struggling, the posts often reflect my darkness.

Of course, with this being a sharing of my mental struggles, I want those struggling with me to know they aren't the only ones who have medications "poop-out" on them. My primary maintenance medication has been slowly quitting on me for about two months. It's not completely gone, but most days I'm only seeing relief in the couple of hours immediately following a dose and again around bedtime. I have periods of either deep depression, needless anxiety, anger, overconfidence, or all of it at once, for about half of my waking hours. I also have returned to the joy of being awake for hours during the middle of the night. So, if you're in the group whose medications just quit, I'm right in there with you.

On to tomorrow. I have an appointment with the ole headshrinker to revisit medications. Thankfully through all of this I have been able to hold onto the stuff I've learned in counseling, but I'd really like to go beyond that and not have to talk myself off of ledges quite so often. So I'll get to share this whole process as it has happened and decide, with the doctor, where we go from here. Heck, we may stay with the same medicine at a different dose. I don't care what we do, I'm just ready to get some relief before I get into a really bad spot. I've been there and I really don't care to go back.

I'll check back in later this week to let you know how it's going.