I take way too many pills. There are two medications I take daily for mood and one I take as needed. One of the daily medicines I have to split over three doses because I don't have enough gut to take time release pills. That means I take at least four pills, spread out across the day, everyday. Don't even bring up what it was like after my surgery a few weeks back.
It could be worse. I could be taking a lot more pills for something else. There are lots of people who have to take a lot more pills than I do every day. It could also be that there were no pills to treat any of this. Thankfully neither are the case, so I'm not complaining. I only raise it because I get lost keeping track of what I take when.
Some time ago I considered one of those little weekly pill cases. I looked at them and it wasn't really a good solution for me. After surgery, my wife started writing down what she gave me and when she gave it to me. That got me thinking about medication administration records (MAR) that are used in hospitals. I thought that was a pretty good idea. I've decided to work with that for a while.
My version of a MAR is a bit less savvy than what is used in a hospital. Being a hospital IT guy, I know the sophistication of our electronic medication delivery and recording. There are bar codes, fancy dispensing machines, automatic flags to the pharmacy, etc. Obviously I don't have anything that fancy going. What I have is a little corner of my office whiteboard where I write the first letter of the medication followed by the time in 24 hour notation. This way it looks like some fancy project information I'm working on and no one ever questions what it is. It is working beautifully.
So it doesn't bring world peace or solve famine, but it works for keeping track of my medications. If you have trouble keeping track of the medication you are taking, consider it my gift to you.
Tuesday, January 31, 2012
Thursday, January 26, 2012
Today I'll just Whine
Some days are gems and some aren't. The beauty of the disease is that it's treatable; the bad part is that some days even that isn't enough. Yes folks, down times happen. Frankly, they happen way more often then I usually admit. Today is one such day.
On a scale of antipathy toward life and pretending to care I'm somewhere just past, "I did get out of bed today." So it's probably not a good day to ask for much from me because I really don't care. Nothing against anyone personally, I'm largely apathetic today- maybe just pathetic.
I'll not belabor the point. This one's just one of those posts to remind folks that even when it gets better things still happen. We'll just hang in there together on those days.
On a scale of antipathy toward life and pretending to care I'm somewhere just past, "I did get out of bed today." So it's probably not a good day to ask for much from me because I really don't care. Nothing against anyone personally, I'm largely apathetic today- maybe just pathetic.
I'll not belabor the point. This one's just one of those posts to remind folks that even when it gets better things still happen. We'll just hang in there together on those days.
Saturday, January 21, 2012
I Want to Sleep
One thing I remember from my early days dealing with panic and depression was the odd sleep pattern. Sometimes I just didn't sleep, sometimes I couldn't sleep enough. It was frustrating at best, especially when I was in college and fighting to make early morning classes when I was only finally able to sleep at four or five AM- and it had nothing to do with staying out too late partying.
Even prior to treatment I had a period when that went away. I could sleep, mostly fine, most nights without any issues. Just before my first shot at treatment I was having some issues of, mainly from panic attacks in the night, of interrupted sleep but it was not too awful. At that time I didn't have too many issues of sleeping all the time.
In late 2010, when things got really bad, all I wanted to do was sleep. I didn't find that too frustrating, well except the whole idea of being a productive member of society, but I knew it wasn't right either. The other part of that, especially when everyone close to you can see in your eyes just how much you're hurting, is I still wonder just how often my wife was checking to make sure I was still breathing. The sleeping too much was probably harder on everyone else than me.
Today I am in this season of not sleeping. Thankfully I am not too tired to function, but I am literally sleeping three or four hours a night. This is every night.
It doesn't matter when I go to bed either. I can go to bed at 8:30 or 9 and be awake at 12:30. I can go to bed at midnight and be up at 3. It isn't making me too tired to function, it isn't even fogging up my thoughts, but it is frustrating. I'm fairly big on doing things when I am awake but it is awfully hard to do anything at 2 in the morning without bugging your whole family. Its something that leaves me sitting around bored for hours a day.
I guess all this was was a gripe session. I don't mean for it to be that, but sometimes that's what you need and all you can do. I would welcome any ideas on how other folks with bipolar sleep. When you just can't sleep do you role with it? Or is there something I might try to sleep more. I'd sure love to try something.
Even prior to treatment I had a period when that went away. I could sleep, mostly fine, most nights without any issues. Just before my first shot at treatment I was having some issues of, mainly from panic attacks in the night, of interrupted sleep but it was not too awful. At that time I didn't have too many issues of sleeping all the time.
In late 2010, when things got really bad, all I wanted to do was sleep. I didn't find that too frustrating, well except the whole idea of being a productive member of society, but I knew it wasn't right either. The other part of that, especially when everyone close to you can see in your eyes just how much you're hurting, is I still wonder just how often my wife was checking to make sure I was still breathing. The sleeping too much was probably harder on everyone else than me.
Today I am in this season of not sleeping. Thankfully I am not too tired to function, but I am literally sleeping three or four hours a night. This is every night.
It doesn't matter when I go to bed either. I can go to bed at 8:30 or 9 and be awake at 12:30. I can go to bed at midnight and be up at 3. It isn't making me too tired to function, it isn't even fogging up my thoughts, but it is frustrating. I'm fairly big on doing things when I am awake but it is awfully hard to do anything at 2 in the morning without bugging your whole family. Its something that leaves me sitting around bored for hours a day.
I guess all this was was a gripe session. I don't mean for it to be that, but sometimes that's what you need and all you can do. I would welcome any ideas on how other folks with bipolar sleep. When you just can't sleep do you role with it? Or is there something I might try to sleep more. I'd sure love to try something.
Tuesday, January 17, 2012
Back to Work
I really haven't felt up to posting since the surgery back on the third, but today things are getting back to normal. I'm back at work this morning, which is code for too much coffee and stress, and back in a button down shirt. To say I'm back to comfortable would be incorrect, as I'm still pretty sore, but things are looking better each day.
There is now a scar across my middle that is located in about the same location as a c-section but it is a whole lot wider. It actually runs almost to my back on both sides, so I look like a man who just gave birth to a small elephant. Thankfully the placement is just below my natural waist, so it won't be seen, but of course I'm so swollen that wearing anything other than sweatpants sucks. These khakis will be going as soon as I get home.
Mentally the thing wasn't too terrible. I didn't have a ton of anxiety going into the surgery, just a little anxiety and depression in the three or four days after, and a whole lot of boredom once everything balanced out. You must understand, being bipolar, when I'm not in an episode of depression, I must have something productive. Laying around when I know I have lots of things I could be doing is not something I do well.
I guess I should get back to work now. I'm sure I'll have something more insightful to say in the days ahead but this is what you get today. I'm still alive and getting better, that's all I could ask for at the moment.
There is now a scar across my middle that is located in about the same location as a c-section but it is a whole lot wider. It actually runs almost to my back on both sides, so I look like a man who just gave birth to a small elephant. Thankfully the placement is just below my natural waist, so it won't be seen, but of course I'm so swollen that wearing anything other than sweatpants sucks. These khakis will be going as soon as I get home.
Mentally the thing wasn't too terrible. I didn't have a ton of anxiety going into the surgery, just a little anxiety and depression in the three or four days after, and a whole lot of boredom once everything balanced out. You must understand, being bipolar, when I'm not in an episode of depression, I must have something productive. Laying around when I know I have lots of things I could be doing is not something I do well.
I guess I should get back to work now. I'm sure I'll have something more insightful to say in the days ahead but this is what you get today. I'm still alive and getting better, that's all I could ask for at the moment.
Monday, January 2, 2012
Another Page in the Story
I haven't shared one part of my story that some may relate to also. In addition to mood disorders, I have spent the better part of my life battling weight issues. In February of 2009 I had become so ill and tired of fighting the weight battle that I had bariatric surgery. Since then I have lost as much as 190 pounds, which was a tad too much; as of today my weight loss is around 165 pounds, total, and I am very comfortable and healthy at my current weight.
As you can imagine, mood plays into weight issues quite a lot. You really have to commit to life changes, even with surgery, or you will not maintain a healthy weight. I have seen too many patients gain back large amounts of the weight they lost initially because they didn't internalize the healthy lifestyle. Making health a lifestyle is critical to being healthy.
Secondarily, and a bigger issue for me, are body image issues. I can look in a mirror and see the once 6'5", XXXL wearer standing before me in a large T and 36" waist pants and see nothing but a fat guy. It's frustrating, and a big part of it is that I have some leftovers that only I know about. Clothes are amazing at hiding things, but they don't make them go away.
Tomorrow, after many times of my wife telling me to shut up and do something about it, I am having reconstructive surgery to remove the excess skin and fat from my abdomen. I'm excited and anxious, no more than I would expect, but anxious nonetheless. I'm anxious about the procedure, anxious about how much it is going to hurt, and anxious about how it will look. They're all normal things, so I'm thankful not to have any anxieties that are disorderly.
Anxiety still bothers me. I know it is normal to have it in certain situations but, when you have lived with panic for many years, there is an element that makes me sad to be having any anxiety at all. I want to medicate it away completely, so today I really need strength and busyness so I don't do that. Self-medicating over years-past has been a big part of what got me in this to begin with, I sure don't need to start back.
I guess I would pray today to be contently anxious.
As you can imagine, mood plays into weight issues quite a lot. You really have to commit to life changes, even with surgery, or you will not maintain a healthy weight. I have seen too many patients gain back large amounts of the weight they lost initially because they didn't internalize the healthy lifestyle. Making health a lifestyle is critical to being healthy.
Secondarily, and a bigger issue for me, are body image issues. I can look in a mirror and see the once 6'5", XXXL wearer standing before me in a large T and 36" waist pants and see nothing but a fat guy. It's frustrating, and a big part of it is that I have some leftovers that only I know about. Clothes are amazing at hiding things, but they don't make them go away.
Tomorrow, after many times of my wife telling me to shut up and do something about it, I am having reconstructive surgery to remove the excess skin and fat from my abdomen. I'm excited and anxious, no more than I would expect, but anxious nonetheless. I'm anxious about the procedure, anxious about how much it is going to hurt, and anxious about how it will look. They're all normal things, so I'm thankful not to have any anxieties that are disorderly.
Anxiety still bothers me. I know it is normal to have it in certain situations but, when you have lived with panic for many years, there is an element that makes me sad to be having any anxiety at all. I want to medicate it away completely, so today I really need strength and busyness so I don't do that. Self-medicating over years-past has been a big part of what got me in this to begin with, I sure don't need to start back.
I guess I would pray today to be contently anxious.
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