Sometimes insightful, sometimes intelligent, always boring; welcome back to my blog. I continue to be busier than I would like and a bit more scattered than usual. I guess that is life, though; so the best thing to do is sit down occasionally and let it all go.
I suppose it should not have been a surprise to me, given some of the odd side effects, my new doctor is not a big fan of Paxil. Granted it helped propel me toward better health, but there are some costs involved. Nothing life-threatening, hazardous, or the like, but nonetheless annoying. Last week I mentioned some of the side effects I was having and symptoms I was still dealing with and he presented me with several options. Given the circumstances surrounding everything we made the decision to change medication completely.
Since most folks aren't on psych meds and have never had the pleasure of going onto or coming off of them I feel the need to share an important fact- it is no fun. Both processes, run-up and withdrawal, tend to cause issues. Withdrawal brings strange physical and emotional side effects. A lot of people melt into a puddle of tears or become "snippy" during withdrawal, which thankfully I don't. What I do, because of my particular set of conditions, is called rapid cycling. It is the process moving from depression to manic states (in my case both are relatively mild) in fairly quick succession. All that and the strange physical side effects that us vets call zaps, brain-shivers, and Paxil Headache.
Staring a new medicine brings on another set of symptoms. Many people often experience a temporary increase in anxiety in the first days of a new medication. I am no exception and, since a big part of me is panic and anxiety, this is particularly entertaining.
Since doctors are aware these things happen to folks, most responsible doctors don't go full on/full off with medications. They slowly withdraw, lightly lowering dosages over weeks. They also slowly add, starting with a minimal dose and adding until proper symptom control is achieved. This is never painless, but it does make things a tad easier.
So now I am in the process of doing both, simultaneously. It is a little weird, but I will say it is not as bad as either one alone. I think I am probably driving my family insane. I tend to flip back and forth really fast and only have short periods of "normal". Thankfully the swings are really mild and, unless you are very close (family-living-in-the-same-house close), you wouldn't notice it from the outside. I suppose it is more annoying than anything, but not nearly as bad as the alternative.
Friday, February 25, 2011
Saturday, February 5, 2011
Torture Test
I have a thing for computers. I know working on them isn't my great calling, but I have been blessed with pretty solid technical skills. Those skills have allowed me to make money for my family while I continue to pursue my call. How that will fully manifest itself remains to be seen but for faith to flourish you must believe, and to believe you must trust.
Anyhow, being both a professional and hobbyist in computing, I usually have lots of computers and parts around. At the moment I have three different computers within arms reach and a large drawer full of cables and old fans. At last count there were at least two more computers in my house than people. The latest is a close-to-ten-year-old computer I lifted from my parent's when they last upgraded. It has become a bit more of a project than I anticipated.
Once my folks had a chance to look over the data on the new PC I set up for them, they gave me the green-light to wipe out the one I brought home. Last Sunday I took one of my favorite hard disk utilities and completely wiped the hard disk and started over with the old clunker. Monday night I loaded an operating system with low overhead that would make this into a really solid web-browsing PC. That, in fact, being my goal. I really want to make a good PC for the kids to browse and play JumpStart.
I got the OS loaded and, when I got back from San Antonio, finished the set up and got things running well. Well, I suppose, that isn't exactly how it happened. It ran well for about 15 minutes and started acting weird. It's ten years old, never been reloaded, so I figured loading with a minimal OS would do the trick and get it running. Obviously that wasn't enough, so now I'm having to run hardware tests to see what is broken.
The test that is running now is called 'Marsenne-Prime 24.12.2', or a torture test. It is meant to through large prime number calculations through the processor to make sure everything is working properly. Basically it makes the processor perform up to the limits of what it is designed for so that you can be sure it will be reliable in the operating environment. Much like a baking dish or frying pan, a computer processor shows its greatest strength when it is heated to its limits and continues with its intended purpose.
From the time I started performing the torture test I thought about the term. I thought about how my trials with anxiety and depression were like my torture test. A test to show me my brain could take it and I would still be able to perform. How this was like what the rough times are like on my brain- it takes me to the limits of what I can process then lets me back down to operate under more normal conditions. How it is God showing me I can do it, how God shows me I can live with reality.
The more I thought about it I really liked it. It made me feel confident in myself, it made me think I was okay. It gave me independence. It was wrong.
Reality really jumps on you when you are in the midst of anxiety and depression, or at least it does me. I think so often we think of it as a mental disorder that makes us think unreal thoughts, but in real terms it amplifies existence. It strips away all of the coping mechanisms we have for existence and applies a forced perspective on the temporal nature. It strips away anything you put around your primal nature and makes you deal with that nature without those comforts.
Thinking back over that reality I realized something much deeper and truer. It wasn't a torture test for me. It wasn't God showing me I could do it. It wasn't God showing me I would be okay, it was God screaming at me that I wasn't okay. It was God slapping the reality that I can never be okay.
It was a place, not for me to grow, but for the glory of God to grow. A place where I disappear and God holds me closely. In all of this I have started to realize that I am not my own, and in no way can I ever achieve what God has already done for me. To this I resolve to no longer live as myself, but as a servant.
I suppose that has been one of the most important sermons I have ever heard. My head tried so hard to justify how everything I went through made me stronger, but reality has shown me I am so weak that I cannot take one breath on my own.
I have said over and over not to minimize mental disorders. They are terrible and powerful. They strip away one's ability to apply logic to reality. It also takes the ability to grasp reality out of your hands. If you have these issues, get help. If someone needs help, get them help. I say that as I cannot use this revelation to minimize the importance of good health, rather a call to realize you cannot do this alone.
Anyhow, being both a professional and hobbyist in computing, I usually have lots of computers and parts around. At the moment I have three different computers within arms reach and a large drawer full of cables and old fans. At last count there were at least two more computers in my house than people. The latest is a close-to-ten-year-old computer I lifted from my parent's when they last upgraded. It has become a bit more of a project than I anticipated.
Once my folks had a chance to look over the data on the new PC I set up for them, they gave me the green-light to wipe out the one I brought home. Last Sunday I took one of my favorite hard disk utilities and completely wiped the hard disk and started over with the old clunker. Monday night I loaded an operating system with low overhead that would make this into a really solid web-browsing PC. That, in fact, being my goal. I really want to make a good PC for the kids to browse and play JumpStart.
I got the OS loaded and, when I got back from San Antonio, finished the set up and got things running well. Well, I suppose, that isn't exactly how it happened. It ran well for about 15 minutes and started acting weird. It's ten years old, never been reloaded, so I figured loading with a minimal OS would do the trick and get it running. Obviously that wasn't enough, so now I'm having to run hardware tests to see what is broken.
The test that is running now is called 'Marsenne-Prime 24.12.2', or a torture test. It is meant to through large prime number calculations through the processor to make sure everything is working properly. Basically it makes the processor perform up to the limits of what it is designed for so that you can be sure it will be reliable in the operating environment. Much like a baking dish or frying pan, a computer processor shows its greatest strength when it is heated to its limits and continues with its intended purpose.
From the time I started performing the torture test I thought about the term. I thought about how my trials with anxiety and depression were like my torture test. A test to show me my brain could take it and I would still be able to perform. How this was like what the rough times are like on my brain- it takes me to the limits of what I can process then lets me back down to operate under more normal conditions. How it is God showing me I can do it, how God shows me I can live with reality.
The more I thought about it I really liked it. It made me feel confident in myself, it made me think I was okay. It gave me independence. It was wrong.
Reality really jumps on you when you are in the midst of anxiety and depression, or at least it does me. I think so often we think of it as a mental disorder that makes us think unreal thoughts, but in real terms it amplifies existence. It strips away all of the coping mechanisms we have for existence and applies a forced perspective on the temporal nature. It strips away anything you put around your primal nature and makes you deal with that nature without those comforts.
Thinking back over that reality I realized something much deeper and truer. It wasn't a torture test for me. It wasn't God showing me I could do it. It wasn't God showing me I would be okay, it was God screaming at me that I wasn't okay. It was God slapping the reality that I can never be okay.
It was a place, not for me to grow, but for the glory of God to grow. A place where I disappear and God holds me closely. In all of this I have started to realize that I am not my own, and in no way can I ever achieve what God has already done for me. To this I resolve to no longer live as myself, but as a servant.
I suppose that has been one of the most important sermons I have ever heard. My head tried so hard to justify how everything I went through made me stronger, but reality has shown me I am so weak that I cannot take one breath on my own.
I have said over and over not to minimize mental disorders. They are terrible and powerful. They strip away one's ability to apply logic to reality. It also takes the ability to grasp reality out of your hands. If you have these issues, get help. If someone needs help, get them help. I say that as I cannot use this revelation to minimize the importance of good health, rather a call to realize you cannot do this alone.
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