An Anxious Holiday

So far it has all been admissions and history. Today will be different. Today is about yesterday- wait, I guess that is history.

Yesterday we had one of the most fun Christmases ever. My parents came up from their place Friday night and stayed over to avoid any potential weather impacts on Christmas morning. Christmas morning Gray woke up first and, when we peeked out, showed us our first white Christmas. Granted it was maybe an inch of snow, but it was snow on Christmas nonetheless.

We read the Christmas story in bed, went and saw what Santa brought us, opened more presents, and generally had fun as a family. Everyone had quite a good time and there was a lot of love to be had. Out of everything in my life I am extremely thankful for a loving and supportive family.

I also can't avoid the obligation to throw in something about mood disorders. Holidays are extremely difficult. You often hear it said that depression is, or the depressed are, worse around the holidays. Let me set it straight- any mood disorder is enhanced around the holidays. The primary place stress is exhibited is in the mood, and when your mood is the part of you that is broken, trust that holiday stress will exacerbate the disorder.

Granted I have a lot of anxieties. Panic Disorder and Generalized Anxiety Disorder tend to do that to you. One anxiety, maybe even phobia, is that I would become the one that has to be the center of attention- the nobody cares about me, no one remembered me, what about my feelings guy. Sure, we all have those times, it's just that I fear being that guy when it is totally inappropriate. I remember a specific situation where I saw a guy throw a total fit because he thought no one cared about his feelings and he was totally uncomfortable- at his wife's father's funeral. That is the guy I fear being.

All that to say, I started feeling quite panicky, had a mild attack, slipped away for it, then took some Klonopin. I actually had to take three total to get through the day- like I said, depression isn't the only thing made worse at the holidays. I got through, had no big episodes, and did my best to make sure the kids were the real center of attention.

It was a good holiday. We had a really good lunch. Total southern fare- smoked ham, turnip greens, smoked turkey legs, 'tater' salad, and so-on. The roads were fairly clear after lunch so we got the parents packed up and on the road back to Monteagle. After that we loaded the dishwasher, took out trash, lugged presents upstairs, and crashed. We all piled up with pillows and blankets and watched the new Toy Story 3 Blu-Ray the kids got for Christmas.

As far as a moment to myself- after the kids went to bed I sat in the floor and played with Tracy's new Citi-Blocks. I have to say, even with all the stuff going on in my head, it was a nice Christmas.

The Others

Panic and anxiety disorders are strange things. Their effects are tremendous on you when you're suffering, but they are also surprisingly easy to hide. That is where the affect is so much more important to notice than the effect.

As I did in admitting I had this condition in my first entry, I had to admit to the people closest to me that something just wasn't right. I had no idea what it was, I was afraid I was losing my mind, and I really didn't want anyone to know. At the same time I had hidden for so long things were getting out of hand and I knew I needed help.

At some point, maybe before our honeymoon, I told Shelly I had occasional "night terrors". These, I learned later, were mild panic attacks. I told her they come, I get up out of bed, walk around a bit, and settle myself back down. She needed to know so if I flew up out of bed saying "I'm gonna die!" that in about 30 seconds I'd be fine again. That was where I left it for quite a long time and did a good job of hiding everything else.

Sometime between Gray and Tracy I had to stop hiding from Shelly. It wasn't a matter of knowing I needed to stop hiding, rather I couldn't stop. I had a fairly severe attack that I hid well one Sunday night. The following week I got a minor stomach bug, traveled down to Gainesville, FL, by plane, went to a football game, became dehydrated, and spent the night in the Emergency Room at North Florida Regional Hospital. That series of events started a chain reaction in my mental health that prevented my from ever being able to wear a mask in front of my wife.

When I came home that Sunday I was weak and tired. I rested and spent Monday at home recovering as well. Monday morning I began a series of panic attacks (still really didn't know what they were) that rolled off and on the entire week. Needless to say she, having a reasonable amount of medical knowledge, pretty well knew what was going on with me. The following Monday I was back in a doctors office getting my first prescription for the drug Paxil.

Now there is a whole lot of places I can go from here, and I want to explore all of those directions one day or another. That was over five years ago and you can just imagine the stories that come out of those years. That, however, is not the point. The point is- admit your weakness. If you are suffering do not suffer alone. If you suspect someone you love is suffering don't let them suffer alone.

Mental distress is no different than a cold, a broken bone, or cancer. There are people out there who go through life with it and just need a little help. They need a little help just like people with the physical ailments I named. Don't be afraid to share just because you think it's all in your or someone else' head. Sometimes it is all in your head and that is when you need help the most.

First of Firsts

I am doing something here I never thought I would do. I am going to write more, but that is not it. I am going to blog, but I have done that before, so that isn't it either. I am going to admit, to the world, that I am not who I have always tried to be.

I think, for the most part, people who are close to me have always thought I was the guy that had it all together. I've never had to work hard at anything, challenges are naturally easy for me, I made good grades, have had and continue to have great jobs, have an awesome family, cool kids, and live in one of the greatest places on Earth. Life, for me, has never seemed all that hard.

For all of that I need to admit, though, that I haven't had it all together. Nearly 16 years ago I lost a dear friend to suicide. The stress of living through that, finishing high school, starting to college, and working a job started to pile up. When that stress piled up to certain level, I experienced the first of what became a permanent part of my life- a panic attack.

The last fifteen years I have lived with panic disorder. I have suffered, I have caused suffering, I have worked, I have fathered, I have husband-ed, I have lived. Today, though, before all who will hear me, I admit it as part of who I am.

I want to share the story, I want others to hear the story, and I want you to share this blog with anyone else who might be interested in the story. I'll tell my history, my present, and my thoughts for the future. I will also veer away from panic disorder and talk life.

I hope you'll follow and share with others to follow. More to come over the next few days and Merry Christmas!