The Others

Panic and anxiety disorders are strange things. Their effects are tremendous on you when you're suffering, but they are also surprisingly easy to hide. That is where the affect is so much more important to notice than the effect.

As I did in admitting I had this condition in my first entry, I had to admit to the people closest to me that something just wasn't right. I had no idea what it was, I was afraid I was losing my mind, and I really didn't want anyone to know. At the same time I had hidden for so long things were getting out of hand and I knew I needed help.

At some point, maybe before our honeymoon, I told Shelly I had occasional "night terrors". These, I learned later, were mild panic attacks. I told her they come, I get up out of bed, walk around a bit, and settle myself back down. She needed to know so if I flew up out of bed saying "I'm gonna die!" that in about 30 seconds I'd be fine again. That was where I left it for quite a long time and did a good job of hiding everything else.

Sometime between Gray and Tracy I had to stop hiding from Shelly. It wasn't a matter of knowing I needed to stop hiding, rather I couldn't stop. I had a fairly severe attack that I hid well one Sunday night. The following week I got a minor stomach bug, traveled down to Gainesville, FL, by plane, went to a football game, became dehydrated, and spent the night in the Emergency Room at North Florida Regional Hospital. That series of events started a chain reaction in my mental health that prevented my from ever being able to wear a mask in front of my wife.

When I came home that Sunday I was weak and tired. I rested and spent Monday at home recovering as well. Monday morning I began a series of panic attacks (still really didn't know what they were) that rolled off and on the entire week. Needless to say she, having a reasonable amount of medical knowledge, pretty well knew what was going on with me. The following Monday I was back in a doctors office getting my first prescription for the drug Paxil.

Now there is a whole lot of places I can go from here, and I want to explore all of those directions one day or another. That was over five years ago and you can just imagine the stories that come out of those years. That, however, is not the point. The point is- admit your weakness. If you are suffering do not suffer alone. If you suspect someone you love is suffering don't let them suffer alone.

Mental distress is no different than a cold, a broken bone, or cancer. There are people out there who go through life with it and just need a little help. They need a little help just like people with the physical ailments I named. Don't be afraid to share just because you think it's all in your or someone else' head. Sometimes it is all in your head and that is when you need help the most.