An Anxious Holiday

So far it has all been admissions and history. Today will be different. Today is about yesterday- wait, I guess that is history.

Yesterday we had one of the most fun Christmases ever. My parents came up from their place Friday night and stayed over to avoid any potential weather impacts on Christmas morning. Christmas morning Gray woke up first and, when we peeked out, showed us our first white Christmas. Granted it was maybe an inch of snow, but it was snow on Christmas nonetheless.

We read the Christmas story in bed, went and saw what Santa brought us, opened more presents, and generally had fun as a family. Everyone had quite a good time and there was a lot of love to be had. Out of everything in my life I am extremely thankful for a loving and supportive family.

I also can't avoid the obligation to throw in something about mood disorders. Holidays are extremely difficult. You often hear it said that depression is, or the depressed are, worse around the holidays. Let me set it straight- any mood disorder is enhanced around the holidays. The primary place stress is exhibited is in the mood, and when your mood is the part of you that is broken, trust that holiday stress will exacerbate the disorder.

Granted I have a lot of anxieties. Panic Disorder and Generalized Anxiety Disorder tend to do that to you. One anxiety, maybe even phobia, is that I would become the one that has to be the center of attention- the nobody cares about me, no one remembered me, what about my feelings guy. Sure, we all have those times, it's just that I fear being that guy when it is totally inappropriate. I remember a specific situation where I saw a guy throw a total fit because he thought no one cared about his feelings and he was totally uncomfortable- at his wife's father's funeral. That is the guy I fear being.

All that to say, I started feeling quite panicky, had a mild attack, slipped away for it, then took some Klonopin. I actually had to take three total to get through the day- like I said, depression isn't the only thing made worse at the holidays. I got through, had no big episodes, and did my best to make sure the kids were the real center of attention.

It was a good holiday. We had a really good lunch. Total southern fare- smoked ham, turnip greens, smoked turkey legs, 'tater' salad, and so-on. The roads were fairly clear after lunch so we got the parents packed up and on the road back to Monteagle. After that we loaded the dishwasher, took out trash, lugged presents upstairs, and crashed. We all piled up with pillows and blankets and watched the new Toy Story 3 Blu-Ray the kids got for Christmas.

As far as a moment to myself- after the kids went to bed I sat in the floor and played with Tracy's new Citi-Blocks. I have to say, even with all the stuff going on in my head, it was a nice Christmas.