To Love Well

Do you ever get the feeling someone else is reading your thoughts? I get that sometimes, but when you post your thoughts for all the world to see it shouldn't surprise. The last several month's well documented struggle, my doubts, my fears, how that is used; all of the high points I felt necessary to share in understanding the journey, I have shared here.

David Hampton, an excellent musician, thinker, writer, speaker, etc. has a blog that he writes every week. He typically dives into issues that are personal to him but brings a commonality to them intended to help you think about how you harbor the same issue. This week's blog, while it's something I've realized for a while now, gave me a different perspective on myself. You can check it out here: http://davidbhampton.com/Blog/tabid/1193/articleType/ArticleView/articleId/922/What-Color-Is-Your-Sky.aspx

If you read it you would find that, although there are absolutes, those absolutes are still seen by individuals. I am an individual who has learned the sky is blue, but most of the time I only see grey. Not in the sense of the man in the blog, but figuratively. The colors, or joy, of life is often stolen by depression and anxiety. Other times the colors are so bright their blindingly un-enjoyable.

As I said, I have known this about myself for a while. An interesting point I took, though, is that in the times when the colors are askew it is not the colors that are wrong. The colors are consistent, they are absolute. It is my perception that is broken.

So many times when the colors are off I say, "Well, it's a condition and I'll wait it out and they'll come back to normal." The interesting thing is that I have thought the colors went bad and they'll get fixed in a little bit. The reality is the colors are the same forever, it's my position that has warped them.

I am overly faithless. I'm faithless not because God has not granted me faith, but because I falsely believe that faith should keep the colors constant for me- I should never feel the awful ways I do. The reality is the faith God has granted me has gone nowhere- it is constant, ever striving. All truth be known my desire for faith to be something it is not causes me to have unrealistic expectations. My loathing faith is not a loss of faith but a losing sight of the fact that, no matter how I see faith, it is always there.

I've gotten on the soapbox before, but there are so many who tell us depressives that we don't need pills but more faith. What we need to do is share that faith is the same yesterday, today, and tomorrow. Faith is constant and we need to move toward that faith as it moves toward us. We need to help our brothers and sisters suffering see the truth for what it is in their circumstance, not destroy them because we think they are wrong.

(My apologies to David for rehashing your points. I loved your post and I wanted to contextualize it for my circumstances. Thanks, brother, for sharing in both ecstatic and difficult providence.)

A Found (and fond) Memory

I was digging through one of the notepads I keep nearby. I have them all over the place so I jot down thoughts, notes, song ideas, or just doodle. It's one of those habits that's both good and bad. I love to pen the thoughts but I have no method for organizing them so sometimes months or years go by before I look back at them. In this case a month and a day has gone by.

I remember, quite distinctly, the moment and the feeling I had when I wrote this. While some of the feelings have changes, there is a burning feeling driving me toward my conclusion. At the top I can see that I scrawled "Experiencing the Trinity," after I had finished the thought, so bear that thought as you read something I wrote on the morning of April 13, 2011:

Last night was such a microcosm of my life experience. I have no clue why mentally or physically, but spiritually I was under attack most of the day yesterday. I was up and down quite a lot, positive and negative.

I felt good as I woke yesterday but became depressed by the completion of the first session. I worked through it but, as the pastor spoke on working through difficult times and finding encouragement, I sank into a deeper depression.

 Within all of that there was such encouragement. I spoke with two friends, who I would now call dear to my heart, about the church and the things of God. From the deepest of depression I moved to greatest encouragement.

On a side note- I had wonderful tea yesterday afternoon. Terrific tea with steamed milk and biscuits. It was amazing to be in this tropical, lush place taking such a magnificent English tradition.

Dinner was yet another meal I had trouble eating. I am subsisting on rice and desserts. The proteins here are cooked to such a great degree of done-ness (as they should be!) that I can barely keep down tiny amounts.

We, after dinner, had an amazing time worshiping God. One of the missionaries led and we backed him. As amazing as it was I so depressed, so self-focused, I did not enjoy it. To some degree I actually resented it.

By the time worship was complete I was so tired from fighting myself I couldn't help but weep. I cried extremely hard, off-and-on, for fifteen or twenty minutes.

Afterwards I enjoyed some time online and discussing the future of World Music Mission with three other gentlemen. It was truly something that, this morning, I am pulling together as quite possible the clarity of the call I know I have been experiencing for some time now.

I believe, from our discussion yesterday, that WMM needs more leaders. To grow it cannot continue to be all on one or two people. I honestly believe this is my call- to add to the leadership and begin being a worship leader on some of the additional trips.

 All of this is so interesting, for as I write the pastor is speaking saying that we have such certainty about the ultimate and total uncertainty about the immediate. Romans 8:28 seals this in that, if we love God and are in His purpose, all things work together for our good. I love God and this is the call. I must go.

Oh Wow

I'm not at all sure what happened. The last month has gone by in record time. It's hard to think this day in April I was hopping on a plane to Africa.

Getting back on track has been fun, but thankfully not too outrageous. I had prepared well at work for the trip so jumping back into that wasn't too bad. I didn't feel like I was a week behind. Getting back up to speed with the correct time zone, or I should say slowed down to the correct time zone, took a while. Getting off of the nasty malaria pills was also great.

So I spend time talking about my mental conditions and they role they play in life. That's the biggest reason I haven't posted since returning. I really feel like the last week has been the first I have felt "normal" since making it back. I think the travel, jet lag, medicines, inoculations, diet, and so-on, really played hell with my condition. It really took those weeks to get re-centered.

Thankfully all of the treatment works. Never once did I feel like I couldn't make it. Never once did anything interfere with be able to do daily activities, to live life. That is a good thing. If there is any reason to deal with issues, that's it. I can't imagine having been able to do something like that at some points in my life. It was hard enough to want to breathe, much less invest all of who I am into a group of total strangers. Just being able to feel that made the crappy several week recovery worth it.

I also know this to be true- somewhere between here and there is my real mission, the place I am called to be. I like what I do, I enjoy computers, but I need to be invested in something greater. When I look at my job all I see is me working for people to make more money and bigger margins. I see me working to take home a paycheck. At the end of the day, is there anything wrong with that? No, I don't think so. Is it for me, though? No, I don't think so. I think all of this is a call to something so much greater- a call to reach out to people.

That is what I need to focus on as recovery really takes hold.