A Found (and fond) Memory

I was digging through one of the notepads I keep nearby. I have them all over the place so I jot down thoughts, notes, song ideas, or just doodle. It's one of those habits that's both good and bad. I love to pen the thoughts but I have no method for organizing them so sometimes months or years go by before I look back at them. In this case a month and a day has gone by.

I remember, quite distinctly, the moment and the feeling I had when I wrote this. While some of the feelings have changes, there is a burning feeling driving me toward my conclusion. At the top I can see that I scrawled "Experiencing the Trinity," after I had finished the thought, so bear that thought as you read something I wrote on the morning of April 13, 2011:

Last night was such a microcosm of my life experience. I have no clue why mentally or physically, but spiritually I was under attack most of the day yesterday. I was up and down quite a lot, positive and negative.

I felt good as I woke yesterday but became depressed by the completion of the first session. I worked through it but, as the pastor spoke on working through difficult times and finding encouragement, I sank into a deeper depression.

 Within all of that there was such encouragement. I spoke with two friends, who I would now call dear to my heart, about the church and the things of God. From the deepest of depression I moved to greatest encouragement.

On a side note- I had wonderful tea yesterday afternoon. Terrific tea with steamed milk and biscuits. It was amazing to be in this tropical, lush place taking such a magnificent English tradition.

Dinner was yet another meal I had trouble eating. I am subsisting on rice and desserts. The proteins here are cooked to such a great degree of done-ness (as they should be!) that I can barely keep down tiny amounts.

We, after dinner, had an amazing time worshiping God. One of the missionaries led and we backed him. As amazing as it was I so depressed, so self-focused, I did not enjoy it. To some degree I actually resented it.

By the time worship was complete I was so tired from fighting myself I couldn't help but weep. I cried extremely hard, off-and-on, for fifteen or twenty minutes.

Afterwards I enjoyed some time online and discussing the future of World Music Mission with three other gentlemen. It was truly something that, this morning, I am pulling together as quite possible the clarity of the call I know I have been experiencing for some time now.

I believe, from our discussion yesterday, that WMM needs more leaders. To grow it cannot continue to be all on one or two people. I honestly believe this is my call- to add to the leadership and begin being a worship leader on some of the additional trips.

 All of this is so interesting, for as I write the pastor is speaking saying that we have such certainty about the ultimate and total uncertainty about the immediate. Romans 8:28 seals this in that, if we love God and are in His purpose, all things work together for our good. I love God and this is the call. I must go.