Torture Test

I have a thing for computers. I know working on them isn't my great calling, but I have been blessed with pretty solid technical skills. Those skills have allowed me to make money for my family while I continue to pursue my call. How that will fully manifest itself remains to be seen but for faith to flourish you must believe, and to believe you must trust.

Anyhow, being both a professional and hobbyist in computing, I usually have lots of computers and parts around. At the moment I have three different computers within arms reach and a large drawer full of cables and old fans. At last count there were at least two more computers in my house than people. The latest is a close-to-ten-year-old computer I lifted from my parent's when they last upgraded. It has become a bit more of a project than I anticipated.

Once my folks had a chance to look over the data on the new PC I set up for them, they gave me the green-light to wipe out the one I brought home. Last Sunday I took one of my favorite hard disk utilities and completely wiped the hard disk and started over with the old clunker. Monday night I loaded an operating system with low overhead that would make this into a really solid web-browsing PC. That, in fact, being my goal. I really want to make a good PC for the kids to browse and play JumpStart.

I got the OS loaded and, when I got back from San Antonio, finished the set up and got things running well. Well, I suppose, that isn't exactly how it happened. It ran well for about 15 minutes and started acting weird. It's ten years old, never been reloaded, so I figured loading with a minimal OS would do the trick and get it running. Obviously that wasn't enough, so now I'm having to run hardware tests to see what is broken.

The test that is running now is called 'Marsenne-Prime 24.12.2', or a torture test. It is meant to through large prime number calculations through the processor to make sure everything is working properly. Basically it makes the processor perform up to the limits of what it is designed for so that you can be sure it will be reliable in the operating environment. Much like a baking dish or frying pan, a computer processor shows its greatest strength when it is heated to its limits and continues with its intended purpose.

From the time I started performing the torture test I thought about the term. I thought about how my trials with anxiety and depression were like my torture test. A test to show me my brain could take it and I would still be able to perform. How this was like what the rough times are like on my brain- it takes me to the limits of what I can process then lets me back down to operate under more normal conditions. How it is God showing me I can do it, how God shows me I can live with reality.

The more I thought about it I really liked it. It made me feel confident in myself, it made me think I was okay. It gave me independence. It was wrong.

Reality really jumps on you when you are in the midst of anxiety and depression, or at least it does me. I think so often we think of it as a mental disorder that makes us think unreal thoughts, but in real terms it amplifies existence. It strips away all of the coping mechanisms we have for existence and applies a forced perspective on the temporal nature. It strips away anything you put around your primal nature and makes you deal with that nature without those comforts.

Thinking back over that reality I realized something much deeper and truer. It wasn't a torture test for me. It wasn't God showing me I could do it. It wasn't God showing me I would be okay, it was God screaming at me that I wasn't okay. It was God slapping the reality that I can never be okay.

It was a place, not for me to grow, but for the glory of God to grow. A place where I disappear and God holds me closely. In all of this I have started to realize that I am not my own, and in no way can I ever achieve what God has already done for me. To this I resolve to no longer live as myself, but as a servant.


I suppose that has been one of the most important sermons I have ever heard. My head tried so hard to justify how everything I went through made me stronger, but reality has shown me I am so weak that I cannot take one breath on my own.

I have said over and over not to minimize mental disorders. They are terrible and powerful. They strip away one's ability to apply logic to reality. It also takes the ability to grasp reality out of your hands. If you have these issues, get help. If someone needs help, get them help. I say that as I cannot use this revelation to minimize the importance of good health, rather a call to realize you cannot do this alone.