Another Page in the Story

I haven't shared one part of my story that some may relate to also. In addition to mood disorders, I have spent the better part of my life battling weight issues. In February of 2009 I had become so ill and tired of fighting the weight battle that I had bariatric surgery. Since then I have lost as much as 190 pounds, which was a tad too much; as of today my weight loss is around 165 pounds, total, and I am very comfortable and healthy at my current weight.

As you can imagine, mood plays into weight issues quite a lot. You really have to commit to life changes, even with surgery, or you will not maintain a healthy weight. I have seen too many patients gain back large amounts of the weight they lost initially because they didn't internalize the healthy lifestyle. Making health a lifestyle is critical to being healthy.

Secondarily, and a bigger issue for me, are body image issues. I can look in a mirror and see the once 6'5", XXXL wearer standing before me in a large T and 36" waist pants and see nothing but a fat guy. It's frustrating, and a big part of it is that I have some leftovers that only I know about. Clothes are amazing at hiding things, but they don't make them go away.

Tomorrow, after many times of my wife telling me to shut up and do something about it, I am having reconstructive surgery to remove the excess skin and fat from my abdomen. I'm excited and anxious, no more than I would expect, but anxious nonetheless. I'm anxious about the procedure, anxious about how much it is going to hurt, and anxious about how it will look. They're all normal things, so I'm thankful not to have any anxieties that are disorderly.

Anxiety still bothers me. I know it is normal to have it in certain situations but, when you have lived with panic for many years, there is an element that makes me sad to be having any anxiety at all. I want to medicate it away completely, so today I really need strength and busyness so I don't do that. Self-medicating over years-past has been a big part of what got me in this to begin with, I sure don't need to start back.

I guess I would pray today to be contently anxious.