I Want Off!

Have you ever been at a fair or theme park and been talked into riding a ride you wouldn't have chosen to ride? Your friends talk and talk, goading you into doing something you aren't comfortable with, and you cave. Walking up to the ride you're anxious, but as you stand in line the chatter takes your mind off of the fear and you are alright with things. You get to the front of the line and decide that, well I'm here so I'll go. The ride starts and gets to the first frightening part and it hits, "I WANT OFF OF THIS THING!!!"

Never having been a classic thrill-seeking type, I have had this experience many times. In fact it was not long ago my four year old son and I shared one of these experiences on Tower of Terror at Disney's Hollywood Studios. I had gone through riding it once when I was younger, being egged-on by my older brother, and had no plans of riding it ever again.

In our most recent trip to Disney World we went with my entire family, so my wife had someone to ride with other than me. She also talked the four year old into joining my brother, niece, and her on the ride. When it came time the four year old started to back out so I told him I would ride if he would. Turns out we would've both been happier with our feet on the ground. The photo of it is perfect- a 40 pound 4 year old and a 200 pound 33 year old cowering, stricken with fear, as the ride plummets back toward earth.

Of course you don't have much ability to think in those situations. You're pretty sure the ride operator's not going to care unless a body part is lopped off of someone, so you close your eyes and hang on for dear life. For me it usually sounds something like this, "Nobody's gotten hurt on this thing, well maybe they have... Most people that get on this thing get off just fine. You'll be fine, you'll be fine, it's almost over...."

Even some thrill seekers I know sort of go through what I do, but when it's over they are happy and want to go again. I don't understand it at all. If I got scared of something that was completely voluntary and meant for fun, I'm not getting back in line. Listen, I don't run in the candy shop to grab some cauliflower, I'm not going to the "Happiest Place on Earth" to have the (expletives deleted, this is a family blog) scared out of me.

Just imagine, though, you feel as I do about certain thrill rides. Then imagine, instead of being coerced into riding, you get hijacked at random times and strapped into one against your will. You have no control of it, there's no reason behind it, someone just grabs you and tosses you in the seat. You never wanted on, now all you want is off.

That is a lot like the feeling you get when you have no control over your own emotions. Like anyone else there are situations where we can't control our circumstances and our emotions follow. Those are sort of like the ride you chose to get on. Maybe you enjoy, maybe you don't. If it was a fun ride you walk away with a smile on your face, if it wasn't you say that you'll never do that again. But for me, so often, the reaction makes no sense to the circumstance. In fact, the emotion has nothing to do with the circumstance because it has been hijacked.

I suppose for anyone who would read this it's not news, but mood disorders are not something anyone chooses. They aren't people who blow things out of proportion or like to feel a certain way that is different than everyone else, they literally don't have control of it. That's the difference between being depressed and having depression. That's the difference between being hyper and mania. The list goes on but the fact remains, this is not a choice someone makes, but an illness not unlike flu, diabetes, or cancer.

This is not intended to be a soapbox or sermon. I guess I feel like I need to throw that last bit of information in, from time to time, because there is still such a stigma around mental conditions. I understand there is and I know there is often fear among the ill and caregivers about sharing. While I'm comfortable with my place in this story, I know there are people close to me who prefer nothing ever be mentioned about my condition; much less the fact that it has landed me in a psych hospital. The thing about it, though, is it is real and ignoring it does not make it go away.

If you are hurting and you want off, please reach out. Please call me or message me, call someone close who would understand, or call a help line. If you have no idea what it's like to feel like this, but someone close to you does, be tender. Realize they are on a roller coaster they would have never chosen and were never given a choice about.