...and Beyond

I know I cut the last post off rather abruptly. It was intentional, as the entire episode, while rather drawn out, took a very different turn after the hospital stay. Needless to say ending up in the hospital wasn't on my list of things to do. It did teach me and my doctor a big lesson- pills aren't always enough.

I said in an earlier post that my doctor prescribed me Paxil and, once I started feeling better, I thought it was enough. I was wrong.

My doctor thought pills were adequate since this wasn't triggered by some life event. I thought, since the doctor told me this was true, that he was right. Little did I know that, even throughout my stay on medication, my anxiety and depression levels remained above normal. That is because medication is not enough- if you want to remain at a place where you can 'feel' you have to combine therapies- both drug and talk.

A week after my hospital stay I had a sit down with a psychologist. I had seen counselors before, this part was nothing new. What was different is that this was not for life's events or stress, this was actual treatment for a mental illness. That was very different for me. This was not a nice little session about coping skills or working through interpersonal issues, this was psychotherapy.

The doctor started taking me through my issues using a method called Cognitive Behavioral Therapy (CBT). I'll give you the short version of how this works- instead of avoiding things you dislike or make you uncomfortable, you sort of say 'bring it on'. Now that has generally been my way of dealing with issues, but when something causes you to panic or be depressed you tend to do things to prevent that. I always felt like that was just good planning. Seems good planning is just a good excuse.

I have spent my life being prepared. I have rehearsed every line for every situation I would could ever be in. I have done very well in life being prepared. The problem with panic- you can't be prepared. The problem with being prepared is you expect perfection. The problem with expecting perfection- when you miss, and you always do, you end up depressed. My desire to never be surprised is probably the greatest exaggerator of my anxiety and depression. I have spent countless hours nervously working my way through tomorrow's scenarios just to end up spending weeks over yesterday's mistakes.

So now I am learning to be surprised. I don't say that to mean I've started going through life unprepared- I will never do that. What I am doing is learning that there is always the one thing you couldn't prepare for and it's okay if it happens; you deal with it when it does. The other thing I have started to recite is the Serenity Prayer. It's a little trite, maybe a little overused, and no, I'm not in AA or any other twelve step program. I do,though, think it is very appropriate.

God, grant me the serenity

To accept the things I cannot change;

Courage to change the things I can;

And wisdom to know the difference.