The Absolute End

I started to post yesterday and it completely fell apart. It's been a week since I wrote anything because I have been struggling where to take this next. I want to complete the story, but I want to share what's going on today. With that, I think it is only logical to complete one so we can move to the next.

So to really tell the story of my life and how I got to where I am today would take a lot more than what I have invested so far. I've shared the very abbreviated version of where I can first identify mood issues to the point where I thought I was past mood disorders. Yes there is a lot more to the story, and as I move forward with the present I hope to incorporate the greater details of my past. But to get to where that is possible I think I need to complete the short version.

I last left off the history with coming off of all medications. I also shared that I did that on my own and highly discourage anyone from trying it. It is unpleasant and can be extremely dangerous. I was very fortunate. As I said, it took me a couple of weeks to stop having the constant withdrawal symptoms. After the worst of the withdrawal I had some issues off and on for a couple more weeks, but by and large I felt fine.

There was no real struggle in the time following coming off of Paxil. I changed positions at work, up to a position with a good deal more responsibility than my previous, but it was in the same department with the same supervisor so I felt fairly comfortable. I guess all of that helped me, as I did not really feel a lot of anxiety in that period. In hindsight I will say I went through some periods of depression during that time, but I largely wrote that off as the transition from shift-work back to an eight-to-five.

The other piece of the puzzle during that time was medical. I had noticed a proliferation of lymph nodes on the right side of my body. I was concerned, my doctors were concerned, and my family was concerned. There were lots of tests, even a surgical biopsy- all clear. No cancer, rather it appears a lingering virus or an autoimmune condition. Neither are life threatening so we held at wait and watch.

I can't say that it was the first time I had faced or considered my own mortality. As part of my anxiety, panic, and depression I have considered my own mortality many times over the years. It was the first time in many years I had considered my mortality as an untreated individual and I did very well. I wasn't frightened, I was sad at times, and the uncertain moments were particularly frustrating. All of that said, I was able to handle it all with great amount of poise.

After all of that was over I fell apart. Just short of three months after my last Paxil I began to experience the overwhelming anxiety I had felt years before. Within two weeks of the anxiety I was having panic attacks followed by debilitating anxiety and deep depression. Two days following the first of those panic attacks began a cycle not unlike the one that caused me to seek treatment initially. Recognizing what was happening I immediately called my doctor who called in a prescription for Paxil.

The next three-and-a-half days are a bit of a blur. They are quite possibly the longest three days of my life, yet I remember very little of what happened. I know this- we were prepared for the initial panic attacks that come with starting the meds. We did it on a weekend knowing the kind of panic the first couple of days can bring. Shelly guided me through hell on Saturday, the day after the first dose. Sunday morning brought something much worse and we feared we wouldn't be able to shield the kids from my attacks, so we sent them to my parents' house. Monday morning I couldn't take it anymore.

Sunday afternoon I actually wanted to die. I was scared of dying but I didn't want to live. Monday morning I was scared. I was scared because I still had no desire to keep living. Uncontrolled thoughts of what the most painless way to stop living kept rolling through my mind. I didn't feel safe. I had a doctors appointment already set up for one that afternoon, but I had Shelly call to see if they could get me in sooner. They told us to come right away.

I came completely unglued in the doctors office. They hustled me into a patient room so I didn't have to hold onto the panic in the waiting area. I let go- tears, hyperventilation, rapid pulse, numb hands, all the classics. My nurse and doctor saw it all and knew what to do- he prescribed me another drug, Klonopin, to get me over the hump of Paxil ramp-up. I took my first Klonopin and felt like myself in less than half an hour.

Klonopin is a wonder- in the right dosage. I had never taken Klonopin before and my doctor prescribed me 1 mg. I thought that was nothing, but obviously it's substantial. The Klonopin absolutely smashed the panic and anxiety, but by Tuesday it had me in the deepest depression of my life. We all knew something more had to be done.

I spent three nights in the hospital. The staff was great, the doctors were great. They kept me safe and they got my medicine straight. I got the dosages regulated, set up with a counselor, and set up with someone to manage my psychiatric medication.