What a Year

It's getting close to the end of a year and the start of another. Everyone will be talking about the past year and what the next one holds. I might do that, but this is not the time. This is time for something entirely different.

One year ago today I was in the peak of the worst episode of pure mental breakdown I have ever experienced. I think the toll of too many hours at work, huge deadline pressure, a lot of visibility on my projects, and a major health scare around that time certainly contributed, as did stopping my depression medication some months prior. Even with all of that, and a lot of experience with mental anguish, this breakdown of my mental state was probably the most frightening thing I had ever faced. I was quite prepared to die because there was no way to live as I was living in those days.

To talk about all of this now, with such freedom and boldness, is a testament to how much healing has taken place in the last year. I had come to the point of at least having been on medication for a while, but for years I really denied the depth of my illness. Even last year I was denying it again, quitting my medication because I really didn't believe it was helping anything. I was fine, I didn't need help at all. I was keeping up with my life just fine.

When it all started we really felt like we knew what we were doing this time, too. Both Shelly and I were so stubborn we believed we could manage things and get through this thing on our own. I remember day and night, hour after hour, where she was simply consoling me without even knowing what the issue was. To be honest, I didn't know what the issue was.

When I entered the hospital, a year ago today, I think Shelly thought she failed. Sometimes I think she still feels like she might have. It is not true, she, I, no one failed. These are things that happen and, one way or another, it comes out that things like this are more than we can handle. I'm thankful that she and I both let go of the situation. Failure is only true when nothing is learned.

Learning is something we have done a lot of since those days. It was a short stay but a lot of follow-up counseling and doctor visits. I went through a couple of months of pretty intensive counseling and Shelly went through some as well. I've been on five different medications, two of which I must take daily and a third I still must take from time-to-time. Shelly is learning how her actions affect my mental state, I'm learning how to let go of some of those things while also communicating instead of shutting down.

All of the ups-and-downs, both real and "imagined", it really has been a year and I really am still here. Before Christmas last year, when I started this blog as part of my therapy, I wrote that I wanted to stay here in the about me section. I'm not sure I really meant that at the time; all I know is it was what I needed to put. I mean it now, and I'm not too afraid of what tomorrow brings. Today I know what I believe and will stand upon those blessings which God has provided in the past year, in the years before, and in the years to come.

Maranatha, come quickly Lord Jesus!