Today is one of those days. I don't understand this disease, I hate this disease. Most days I think I know how it can be useful, but days like today are when it just doesn't make sense.
I seem to have lost all hope. I don't care about anything and see life as an obligation and not a joy. There is nothing here I need or want and all I do is suffer. Don't feed me your guilt and sob stories about how much my children need me, how much my wife loves me, and how much my family cares about me; I've heard it, I know it, and all I can see are obligations- joyless obligations. Drudgery.
If this sounds like a suicide note to you, you are right. No, I am not going to take my life but these pervasive thoughts make me want to. I'm so sick of having these feelings.
The exercise of writing it down doesn't make it more real, it is all plenty real. It does offer some ability to process, but I'm not sure how much. It doesn't make the feelings go away, it doesn't make me realize what I'm missing, it doesn't make me feel one ounce less burdened. What does it do? I have no clue.
I always have to go back, though, to Romans 8:26-39. You may or may not believe in God, Jesus, or anything else, but I guess I need that crutch. This disease causes the abandonment of internal sense of hope or peace. Apart from something I can look to outside myself I have nothing. Maybe that is the purpose- taking me apart from myself to see the face of Jesus so I can be His arms when someone needs something to hold on to.
Thank you, Lord, for holding me.
No comments:
Post a Comment