It really shouldn't be a surprise, but all of my demons have chased me around for longer than I care to admit. Thus far I have admitted to you and myself that I have had panic attacks since I was at least 16 or 17, but I've really only been coming to terms with the other parts of my story for the past year. This weekend I find myself admitting those pieces were there all along.
Nearly eight years ago I started writing a song that I have fought with ever since. I picked it back up and, for the first time, admitted the depth of depression it took to write both the music and those few lyrics. That was an admission that I have been working through this for a lot longer than I even thought.
I knew when I first wrote it I was depressed. I knew, in that moment, that is where I was. What I didn't understand is that it was more than just a moment. When I looked a the lyric again, though, I realized it was much more than a moment- it was a daily thing. I was, even then, being consumed by these monsters.
So yesterday I understood the place where I was, the place where I am, and how to control the circumstances. I wrote more, I enjoyed it more, and I played it through a couple of times. I was comfortable with where it came from and where I am today.
The song is now finished. The story that put me in the place to start writing the song isn't over.
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