It's no secret to anyone who reads this that I sometimes get anxious. I've made abundantly clear that, when all the bad stuff in my head starts working together, that's how it usually presents itself. I'm at peace with that. I don't like it, but I'm at peace with it.
The weird thing is I generally don't mind sharing that things play out that way. I am happy to tell most anyone, and readily share with anyone who would come here, about my struggles. This weekend I'm telling a new group in a different way. For some reason that has me completely freaked out.
I was asked some months ago to share some of the goings on in my life. I shared those thoughts and was asked to do a short video that would be used in our church services. A group filmed me talking about how depression, bipolar, and anxiety have played out in my life. I explained how I ended up in the hospital before Christmas last year and how the whole experience has really been a blessing and not a curse. I have not seen the video, but I was able to share genuinely without hesitation. It should be another blessing.
Last week I was told the video would be shown in this coming Sunday's church services. I went in knowing that was what we were doing this for, but as the day gets closer I get more anxious. While I'm still struggling with some pretty depressed periods, occasional "up" times, and minor anxiety, I have not have not been experiencing panic attacks at all. The prospect of the video, however, has sent me back into panic mode. I have had three since lunch yesterday.
Every fiber of my being is screaming, "Call it off! Just tell them not to show it. Tell them to do something else, anything. Don't show me in front of everyone. They'll call me crazy, tell me it's not a real disease, whisper about me when I walk the hall, and nothing I say will ever be taken seriously. I will forever be the church and town nut. It's as if my low sense of self-worth is feeding my anxiety, which in-turn is feeding back to low self-worth. I am struggling with this terribly.
There is no way I will back out. I want to and I want to be as far away as possible when they show the video. I know I can't, but it's what I want. In reality the video is about the same thing this blog is about. It is admitting to people that it's alright to be who you are. It's okay if all the pieces don't fit perfectly. The beauty of life and faith is that beauty of imperfection is made perfect through faith- that God picks up the brokenness and uses it for all sorts of good. No matter how scared, I know this video needs to be shared just as I share this blog and with people I people I speak with.
So I don't write this post to help or share as much as I write it to cope with my fears and expose myself to some reality. This is not new, it's something I do everyday. It's not something I'm ashamed of, afraid of, run from, or bow to. A lot of people may do the things I think they will but, if one person is helped by my story, anyone who thinks less of me afterwards really doesn't matter.
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